Adulting.

It's hard being an adult.

I think that's the main thing that's happened to me since I last blogged. I became an adult. I now adult full time I think. Does Adulting consist of doing things like hating made up words like Adulting? (Pause for reflection) If so, I am pretty sure that I'm doing this thing.

 

 

 

I have an adult job (I'm a teacher #wtf), I did something pretty Adultish (made that up and immediately fucking hate it) in August and got married, I rent an apartment now (not a flat as that sounds too studentish and not Adultish) with two bedrooms and some wicked skylights, I really enjoy cooking now too, as it is "a creative outlet" apparently (which is something that I do truly believe, but never thought I would hear myself say when I wasn't adulting as I always thought I would be doing something too creative full time to need an outlet), I wear Polo Necks in a way that's not ironic, but purely because I like the hug they give my neck, I do "big shops" now and the few "little shops" I do these days aren't to grab a four pack of Tesco's own brand lager, but to purchase something like scourers or grease proof paper.

 

Neckhugger

 

 I could go on about all the things I do now that I feel make me an adult but I feel like the only reason I would be doing this would be to try to convince myself that I am now a full on Adult, a full time grown up, a man.

But the truth is, I'm 29 and I am a fraud.

I would like to state at this point that this isn't a confessional post where I spout a load of shit about being true to myself etc, as that is something that I have done fairly well, and where I haven't I try not to dwell on it. What I mean is, I don't think I will ever fully feel like I have reached adulthood. Or if there is a point where this is the case, I definitely haven't got there yet.

There are times where I pull on some clean,  black skinny jeans and a nice, crisp, patterned shirt and wear a long, black coat with leather gloves and a scarf, and although I feel comfortable and am dressed as the person I want to be that day, I know I am playing dress up and I cannot sustain the persona of a mature, grown up sensible chap that people see when I am wearing those clothes, for too long. I know I will inevitably let myself down when a civilised Wine and Cheese evening goes too far and I end up polishing off a bottle of Sauvignon (and any other alcohol the host pityingly donates after I have slurred my selfish, teenage request for anything else I can devour) before sneaking off with a likeminded fraud to trespass in the neighbour's garden and come back covered in mud much to the disdain of the "Adults," or I will go for lunch with a friend and have to order a side and a tap water as I spent my last bit of money on a Crunchie bar on the way home from work. It's a given, and those close to me will recognise this facet of mine. But I find it hard to hide this even when alcohol and Crunchies are not involved.

 

He KNOWS it. What a guy.

 

I will use the old analogy of the swan swimming on a pond, where everything seems calm on top but below its feet are paddling like the clappers. But what I feel represents me more accurately, is perhaps if you threw a baby into the same pond. Its limbs would certainly be working overtime but you can clearly see it's struggling to get anywhere. And the swan would swim past all graceful and calm like, looking down its bill at me the beautiful little shit, before someone wades in and easily scoops me out, bounces me on their hip before chucking me back in again 2 weeks before next pay day.

 

Is this a swan? Still a smug BEAUTIFUL prick.

 

So the question is, do we learn to Adult or do we become unable to Child? I feel it may be the latter. I feel I have grown up when I spend less money on a night out, not because I have learnt that it is beneficial, but because I know my soul/head/face cannot hack hangovers any more. If they could hack it, honestly, I don't know if I could say for certain that I would abstain wholly for financial gain. I feel grown up when I wear a suit, but rather than this being due to a revelation of feeling somehow more responsible and aged, it is down to the fact that socially it is unacceptable for me to turn up to a wedding or funeral or work in jeans, converse and a T-shirt that says "hellfire" on it (which I did once own. It was somehow cute then). I feel grown up when I'm in bed at 10pm, not because I get some smug boner looking back at when I used to be starting my first pre drink at 10 and thinking "LOOK HOW FAR I'VE COME AS AN ADULT!" Honestly: it's because I'm tired,

And I think that's what it boils down to.

Which is fine. It's ok to be tired. It's natural. Sure there are things you can do to be less tired and I feel I do them; I don't drink during the week, I eat a plant based diet, I go to the gym, I read, I listen to music, I am stimulated constantly by the wit and weirdness of my wife but at some point, I still become tired. 

But it doesn't make me an Adult.

 

 

 

So having said that, it is vital that I tire myself out with things that are worth it, because Wake, Work, Eat, Sleep, Repeat is a killer. And that is what I am going to begin to blog about. What the hell I do to survive this existence, where I eat, drink, walk, what I've thought, read, watched and so on.

Take note if you like, or just read for the sheer HELL of it.

Peace Out.