Menthol Cigarettes.

Just a quickie.

A quick one rather....

......quickie implies a brief burst of sexual activity, which isnt happening right now.

Well not to me anyway....

........its 17:20 for heavens sake.

YOU ANIMALS.

SICK

Anyway.

Something has just occurred to me. Something about the marketing of Menthol Cigarettes. I don't know whether people are up for this or anything....

......and considering you can no longer advertise or market cigarettes really at all, it would be impossible to achieve....

........ but in a parallel universe....

........Cigarette companies should hire koala bears to showcase their menthols?

Its perfect.

Koalas LOVE eucalyptus.

So if one of them was unfortunate enough to fall in with the wrong crowd and they were offered a menthol cigarette, they would immediately become addicted, spread the word and pass on a crafty cigarette to a furry grey pal and before you know it, the whole koala population is hooked.

GOOD FOR LAMBERT AND BUTLER.

SHIT FOR KOALAS.

Or maybe the company already know this, and the demise of the koala population is an inevitability, and all for a sick, cruel advertising scheme.

I hope not.

God I hope not.

Craving.

*sob*

peace out

The Protocol of the Elbow

Today, I elbowed somebody. I say this with neither pride nor shame but with a slight matter of fact tone about my voice. Perhaps with the same tone one might announce that they purchased something rather unusual during the course of the day. Like a pocket watch or a hemp basket. Anyway the tone of voice is neither hither nor thither, the elbow however remains.

It happened as I got on my train to work, I sat down and my elbow nudged the book of the lady next to me. She was reading a Graphic Novel of some description. She immediately scowled without expecting me to notice, but being the keen eyed wizard that I am, I saw her scowl as plain as can be, and immediately apologised. As quick as I could. Just so I could take satisfaction in seeing her facial expression change from a dirty judging grimace to a simpering apologetic smile. She said "it's ok! Don't worry." it was at this point I wanted to tell her that:

"I wasn't worried or worrying in the slightest. Its not like i did it on purpose. And also that if it was ok then what was with the scowl bitch? And that if her graphic novel wasn't the size of a semi detatched house then people wouldn't accidentally elbow her on the train. And if she stopped reading graphic novels in PUBLIC then she would reduce the risk of being elbowed altogether by a significant amount. And that if her emotions and attitudes change as quickly as her facial expressions suggest, then she would be a terrible friend, let alone partner to anybody, no wonder you're alone."

I thought this over. I thought quick yet hard like a thought ninja, and realised this was excessive. I merely smiled back and the journey continued without incident.

Peace out.

LONG LONG LONG TIME no blog.

Hey Bloggers! In the space of time i have been away from blogging (not that i was ever really a hardcore blogger, i dont think that 3 blogs even gives me the slightest right to call myself an amateur blogger), i believe that blogging has become ridiculously popular, what with the uprising of the mighty Twitter. So therefore saying Hey Bloggers has become socially acceptable, NOT JUST ON THE INTERNET!! NO! I guarantee that if you walked into a bar/pub/public toilet/holland and barrett anywhere in Britain, there would be someone who Tweets! So therefore i can walk down the street, use a urinal, tie my shoe laces, buy vitamins and supplements, all the while yelling HEY BLOGGERS! at the top of my voice feeling no shame. Hahaa in yoour face past social convention. Whilst we are on the subject of twitter can i ask what the past participle of tweet is? I'd like to think it was Twat. but alas i fear it is probably Tweeted. Boring. Yet unoffensive, so in the end, a more sensible option...sigh....well done social convention....

The last place i yelled

It has come to my attention, that i have neglected my blog for a good 2 years. 2 long and exciting years of history have past without me commenting or rambling about it. well whats to be said? heres a brief summary:

• I have moved to London and am now in my second flat in the shittest suburb of the greatest city in the world! FAIL yet WIN! FIN. I live with my Girlfriend, yes the same girlfriend that held my hair back whilst i vomited in my last blog....shes still here, clinging desperately to the hope that underneath my broke, drunk, bad tempered, paranoid facade, is a charming, attractive, succesful young actor. I dont know how shes managed it, but really well done and thankyou..keep going.....keep the faith. Good things come to those who wait. I also live with James, a legend amongst men, a boy with whom i share wine and cheese and the occasional chat roulette session. He is the only person i can sit with and watch middle aged men masturbate (whilst their wife is asleep in bed next to them) with and find it hilarious and not weird. It is Weird, lets be honest. Really fricking weird, but we tell ourselves that its just funny.....GOSH.
• Demi Moore and Aston Kutcher have divorced. I pose the question WERE THEY MARRIED? celebrity culture really isnt my thing. Apparently according to a friend of mine, John Lennons dead aswell?! gutted.
• ive done a show. I did a show that toured Dublin, Brighton and Greenwich. Dont ask me how Dublin went. Its Dublin. Its hardly fair to expect me to stay completely sobre at any given time throughout that leg of the tour. And as for Brighton well...Its Brighton. Its hardly fair to expect me to stay completely sobre at any given time throughout that leg of the tour. And Greenwich was good. Apart from this show, i kind of havent really done much acting...plenty of auditions, but not much results. well i tell a lie, if you class being heckled by a dog as a result. Tis true my friends, I was heckled by a dog. I auditioned last year for the Wizard of Oz in a place called Heckmondwicke, which does exist. well I really hope it does, unless someone set up an elaborate reality TV show in which aspiring actors head to bizarrely named audition venues and have to undergo distraction trials throughout, like being gassed, or on a less holocaustal theme, having faeces thrown at them, or in my case being howled at by a deceptively cute dog whilst being filmed...anyway i went to the audition and during my song (So Close from Enchanted, irrelevant, yet in hind sight soooo wrong for the part of the Scarecrow that i thought it was worth a mention) Toto piped up. Needless to say, as i was deemed unacceptable by the dog, i didnt get the part. Bastard. I love dogs. but not this one. I wonder if its name was Andrew Lloyd...bastard...?

C**T

Should i be depressed that 2 years of my life can be summed up in 3 bullet points? One of which isnt even about me? I'm going to say no. NO this is just the start my friends. I promise that now i am in London, I shall blog as much as possible and excite and titilate you with amusing tales and dittys from this Great City. Treat this as a reintroduction back into my brain, have patience with me, im slightly rusty, but full of new inspiration, like a reconditioned old jaguar. The car, not the big cat you understand. I doubt a Jaguar has ever shampooed let alone conditioned in order to recondition...has anyone ever conditioned a Jaguar?

New Tresemme Ad

ON THAT NOTE.


i need to go and put a light wash on. theres an England shirt drenched in blood and tears that needs washing....peace out.